I Love You Enough to Let You Go

CBG and I had lots of good conversations over the weekend.

One of the things we talked about was how difficult being in a long distance relationship is. An entirely different mindset is required than in a more traditional type of relationship. There’s a certain amount of mental, emotional and spiritual “toughness” involved in LDRs. Patience for and acceptance of the situation need to be there. Trust needs to be huge factor.

CBG and I have a lot of good things going for us. Trust is not an issue at all. In fact, it’s something that I personally never worry about. I don’t worry that he’s secretly seeing someone on the side…and he feels the same way. So in that regard, we are ahead of the game in terms of our relationship.

Other aspects are more difficult. Acceptance of our situation is a tough one. As things stand, neither one of us is going to be moving any time soon. Being faced with an uncertain future is difficult to come to terms with.

The ability to be tough in the face of the challenges we face comes and goes. Some days…some weeks are easier than others. Others are brutally, brutally difficult. That’s just how it goes in this type of relationship. It’s the cold, hard reality.

At one point during one of our conversations on the weekend I said to him, “I know how hard this is for you. And if it’s too hard for you to keep doing…I love you enough that I will let you go.”

That was one of the most difficult things I’ve said in the context of a relationship. That’s the thing about love. When you love someone enough…all you want is for them to be happy. And honestly? If being with me, if all the sacrifices and work involved is too hard and not worth the benefits…then as difficult as it would be, I would much rather see him find love and happiness elsewhere.

Sometimes this love stuff really stinks. It’s a damn good thing he’s worth it.

9 Responses

  1. Early on in our relationship, and still now every six months or so, we have had that same conversation. A love like that has to include the ability to let them go, but the pain involved in even thinking about it brings tears to my eyes (literally) every time it comes up.

    Thankfully, neither one of us wants to be let go. Ever.

    My ex always says he won’t love again until he can be guaranteed not to have his heart broken. Dumbass. The prospect of really, really loving someone is a guarantee that your heart WILL be broken. Someday our lives will be over and unless we’re lucky enough to die together, hearts will break. It’s those of us lucky enough to know a love like this who really understand how much it really is worth to risk so much pain for it.

    I hope for you that there is some way to make your distance shorter, or to find a way to have more time together. Happily for me, mine will be on a plane tonight (tonight!) to come and get me. For the next three and a half months we get to finally, finally be together. After two years of long distance and visits only every 3 months, I am one happy woman!

    I’ll be rooting for you guys to have that too, some time soon.

  2. It will be okay.

  3. I really think long distance relationship have a really bad rep. In reality they are not very different from a relationship a few miles away or even in the same city. If you really love someone, you should stick together.

    I did long distance with my bf (NY and SF) for a year and we are still going strong now. My friend did long distance with her BF for 4 years (NY and Australia) and another one did it for a year and a half (NY and Hong Kong). They are all going strong. The NY and Australia one is finally going to be in the same city – London after 4 years.

    It can happen if you want it to. I am not doing a good job summarizing the positive but here is a link to something I wrote that hopefully does a better job. http://bit.ly/auCI9g

    Do think hard and long before making a decision though cause once you let go of it, it may never come back. If you have thought long and hard, then I hope you feel better soon, cause I know it hurts :(

    • I appreciate your thoughts on this, as someone who has been there.

      Let me be clear: neither one of us is letting go of the other any time soon.

      LDRs are simply challenging in ways that other relationships are not. All relationships have difficulties and challenges. I think that it’s important to be realistic when you’re in a long distance relationship….because it will be difficult.

  4. That is beautiful and powerful and you are right – that is some damn good strength if you can say that and totally mean it…sounds like you two had a great conversation this week and the reconnecting was JUST what you needed.

  5. I was never good at LDRs so I don’t know how I would handle it now. You and CBG seem to have integrated your lives so well that I’m curious about your statement that the future is uncertain. Is it that you don’t when you’ll next see each other?

    • When I say “uncertain” I mean because we have no timeline for when we will be in the same city together. At this point we can only plan on doing this indefinitely; until it gets too hard to keep going…at which point we’ll have to look at what other options we have.

  6. I can’t agree with you more. I knew it was REALLY truly over with my X when he said, “I don’t care if you’re miserable every day until you die, you don’t get to leave me and destroy what I built”

    If you love someone you want them to be happy…even if that means it’s not with you. I love BLT in a way I’ve never been in love before. And knowing in my heart that I only want the very best for him I would walk away if that’s what it took. I would die inside, but I would do that for him.

    This love thing is rough… but it’s so worth the effort!!

  7. hey Sunshine,
    haven’t been reading much over the last while (except for your tweets), but man do I miss your blog!
    Many of your recent issues are so familiar to me, some of your posts brought me to tears, particularly this one and the one about the stinky feet :)

    I think what you describe is TRUE LOVE. It’s such a scary feeling to love someone so much that you’re willing to let them go if it means they will be happy.

    I just keep thinking that we are so fortunate to be experiencing it. Some people go through life without ever knowing the feeling you describe.

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