Tearless Goodbyes

It used to be that when CBG and I said our goodbyes, there were lots of tears (well, from me, anyhow). Hell, sometimes I would find the emotion welling up a full day before his departure. Our goodbyes would last an hour or more, CBG comforting me through my tears.

It was always hard.

Over time, I learned to keep my tears to myself. I was able to wait until CBG had driven out of sight and I was safe inside my apartment before allowing the tears to come. I would cry for a while and then wipe my eyes and then dive into something that would distract me from the hurt.

It’s been a long time now since we’ve had a tearful goodbye. Sure, it’s still hard to let him leave like that. My bed still feels pretty damn empty the first few nights after he’s not here. There still feels like there’s something missing when we’re not together. I still dream of the day when we’re together on a more permanent basis.

I have reached that magical land of acceptance, I guess. I am able to accept where things are for us right now (even if I don’t necessarily like them). I am building myself a good life here, on my own. I have discovered inner strength and independence that I had no idea I had. I am happy with the life that I have outside of the one that I have with CBG. Sure, I still wish that he were here to share that life with me…but I know that I can be ok on my own for now.

It’s a good feeling, particularly after the struggle that it’s been to get here.

Last night I gave CBG one last long huge hug and kiss before he got into his car to leave. I drank in everything – his smell, the rise and fall of his chest against mine, the warmth and safety of his arms around me. I drank it in and filled myself up with it, knowing that it would be enough until we are together again.

Only 11 more sleeps to go.

10 Responses

  1. Aw – I remember those days (when my ex and I lived long distance) of crying goodbyes and dreading the actual goodbye part – but it does seem to get a little easier each time. It sounds like you two are chugging along so wonderfully though, despite the distance, and I’m so glad to hear it!!

  2. Yep, I wait until he’s gone, and then I try to allow myself the rest if the day to wallow, if I can. After that, I have to put on my big girl panties and face the world with a smile, while inside the countdown until I next see him starts ticking away.

  3. “It was always hard.”

    Heh…

  4. At least you can count the number of “sleeps” lol, I have to count the number of weeks and/or months!

    I know how hard it is. I’m at the stage where it’s getting harder each time, not easier, but I have faith that the “easier” will come one day.

    NIce post Sunshine!

  5. I love this. I’m smiling more too. :)

  6. What a great post, I am so glad to hear.

  7. I remember dating long distance, that first night is the hardest and then it fades to the background, sometimes more slow then you would like–great post!

  8. [...] Damn…wasn’t it just a month ago that I wrote about the fact that the goodbyes felt like they were getting easier? [...]

  9. I’m really trying to get past the whole crying thing. At least while he’s still there with me.
    It isn’t easy but I have managed to stop ruining our whole last day together by not thinking about it to much until it’s actually happening.

    I know that it’s hard on him, and I really hate that I do it but I’m trying.

    And that’s got to be something.

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