Missing My Friend

The first day of school looms closer. Kiddo is super excited to go, but I have to admit that I am terrified. I know that she’ll be okay, she’s just that kind of kid, but I have so many worries and anxieties regardless. Some of my biggest being that the experience of public school is going to change her in negative ways. I realize that it will have an effect on her, it will help to mould and shape who she is, but there are so many good things about her that I really hope don’t get lost.

I realized last night, when my ex was dropping off the girls to me for the night, that sometimes I really miss having him there as a friend. For our entire decade together, he was my closest confidante. He was my best friend. He was the person that I worked through all of my doubts and fears with.

While I am doing okay with leaning on other support systems (and learning to rely on myself) when it comes to my own personal problems and those things closest to me, one thing I do miss is having my ex to talk to when it comes to those matters that affect our children in such deep and profound ways – like Kiddo going off to school in a couple of weeks. I know that I have CBG there to talk to about what’s happening and how I’m feeling about it, but since these are my kids, not his, he’s naturally just not as emotionally invested in them (which is perfectly fine with me, btw). My ex is the only one who could likely even come close to understanding what I’m feeling right now in terms of our girls – because likely he’s got some of the same fears and concerns as I do. He’s the only other person who knows them and loves them as much as I do.

It would just be really nice right now to be told that everything’s going to be okay. To have someone remind me of how resilient my daughter is. To tell me that I’m a good mother and that it shows in what wonderful little humans my daughters are. I need some reassurance, I guess.

Unfortunately, my ex and I don’t have the kind of relationship right now where we’re able to discuss those matters. I understand his desire for emotional space, and I realize that realistically that’s not a role we’re ever likely to fill for the other at this point, what with everything that’s come to pass between the two of us. But when I’m being completely honest with myself, I realize that I miss it. A lot sometimes. It would just be good to talk to someone who can really relate to what I’m feeling right now. It would be really good to feel like I have an ally in this matter…because my girls are so very important to me – as I know that they are for him, too. He’s a good dad, and I feel very fortunate that my girls are so blessed to have such a loving and involved father. I just miss his friendship and parenting support sometimes, I guess. But it’s one of those losses that comes with divorce, I guess.

This single motherhood thing is really tough sometimes. Today is one of those really difficult days, I guess.

I think there may still be a little grieving left to do.

13 Responses

  1. I know what you mean, except for I never had that relationship w/ my daughter’s father. I usually relied on my friends (who are her aunties) to have those kind of discussions. Nowadays though, they are a little too opinionated for my taste, so I keep to myself, mostly.

  2. You’re right, there is great comfort in being able to discuss your children with the only other person that knows them on the same level you do. Maybe it’s possible, in time, to have this kind of communication with him? You expressed yourself so well in this, how do you think he would react to reading it? Maybe not now, but someday, could it open a door?

  3. Funny, I had this conversation last night with Rascal. I was telling him how I leaned on my ex during some issues with my little one last year. At the time, I tried to express this to Soldier and he became jealous of my ex-husband and suggested that perhaps I wasn’t fully over my divorce.

    But having Rascal, who is a single father as well, and who also has a good relationship with his ex, he completely understood.

    You and CBG are blessed to have the relationships you do have with your exes. You two are blessed to be able to lean on each other when you can. And you are blessed to have a level of understanding about your exes with each other that others may not have.

    I do have to agree with Debra. I think you could certainly express your fears relating to your daughter to your ex-husband. He likely has those same fears too.

    ((hugs))

  4. *hugs*
    I know exactly how you feel.

  5. I know that feeling!

    When did life get this complicated?

    It’s the simple most basic things I miss too – things I took for granted.

    I’m finding it difficult to sort out what are my needs (things I need to take care of myself) and what are my kid’s needs (things I legitimately can and should talk to my ex about)…I think for mums in particular the two are so intertwined…if it was easier to separate those things I’d find it so much easier talk to my ex.

    Take care x

  6. Hugs, I know this is tough. I don’t know what else to say because I am already fearing Ian starting school.

  7. it comes and goes, I don’t grieve anymore, I grieved for about a month, the idea of the marriage I WANTED. Then I realized what an a-hole my ex was and was done grieving. Heh heh. Single motherhood is tough and it isn’t until you get used to the confidence and courage in doing it that you’ll feel more consistently great about it. I still second guess myself and worry I just downright suck as a mom. You’re awesome!

  8. I hope tomorrow goes well, for both yourself and your daughter.

  9. I think my ex pretty much pretends I am not the mother of our children – and when he does acknowledge I am it’s to discredit me in some way. You are lucky to have what you do with your ex and to know that he at least cares about your children as you do.

    Your daughter will do fine at school. Learning to let go is all part if being a mom, ya know. I’m trying to get used to the idea that my daughter is now away at college!

  10. I hope your daughter loves her first day of school. Take some kleenex for you and your camera

  11. I don’t think the grieving ever ends. And those days when it just BAM hits you out of nowhere… they suck.

    I’m lucky to have a family that’s very invested in my son. But even when they’re invested, the responsibility still lies with me.

    I hope your daughter’s start to school goes well!

  12. This hits me very close to home. I’ve been grieving the loss of the closeness with my ex a lot lately (and simultaneously hitting a scary speed bump in my current relationship). We’ve managed to remain friends, and even have continued to help each other through some hard emotional stuff since our separation, but it doesn’t really make sense in the long run for us to stay this close.

    We just had a good long talk today (after a terrible fight yesterday) about this dynamic. Cold turkey doesn’t seem to be the answer, but it’s probably going to naturally sort of happen as we develop new relationships and heal from the split. I hope so, anyway.

  13. I know exactly what you mean. It takes me by surprise sometimes. I can get wrapped up in our conversations before I realize that I’m not comfortable sharing the details with him. Habit. This changes so slowly.

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