Single Parent Bloggers Rock;
CBG and I had a little giggle in bed this morning (or was it this afternoon? heh) about how the next few days are going to be for me. I predicted that tonight and tomorrow I would be whining, and by Tuesday – angry and pissed off at the world. CBG’s further prediction was that by Wednesday I would be full of self-doubt about the whole thing.
Sounds about right.
At this point I’ve simply resigned myself to this pattern. It’s just going to be how things are. So ya’ll are gonna have to bear with me.
* * *
Whenever I am hugging CBG goodbye, I always take a moment just to remind myself that this is the worst moment, the longest possible time until our next visit, every moment after that I am *that* much closer to holding him in my arms again. It was this thought that made me start crying at the bus station this afternoon, and almost caused him to bolt so as not to upset me more (for those wondering, I made him stick around. heh).
It’s only when I stop to think about wonder about how long we’re going to have to do this that I start to almost panic and feel consumed with fear. It’s the unknown that’s thr worst. If I had a crystal ball and could look into the future and know that in, say, five years, we would be together, and “this” is how it would all unfold, then I really think I would be okay. It’s the not knowing and the wondering and the uncertainty that makes it so hard sometimes.
Then I stop and remind myself that some things simply aren’t for us to know. I am a firm believer that The Universe provides us with opportunities to learn those lessons that we most need to learn (whether or not we make the most of those opportunities is up to us). I have long known that one thing I desperately need to learn is to live in the moment, and simply have faith that I will be provided with what I need.
This relationship gives me opportunity to have this point driven home – repeatedly, I might add.
It would be easy to spend our time together feeling sad that it’s only for a short while. It would be easy to whine and complain and not enjoy one another. It would be easy to panic and freak out about how we’re going to make this work long-term when we’ve got a multitude of obstacles in our way.
Instead, we make the most of the time we have, in every way possible. We talk. We laugh. We sing. We act like two idiots without a care in the world. We make out like a couple of teenagers. We hold hands and hug and just drink each other in.
We talk about the future as well…about what we would like to eventually happen…but we both keep reminding ourselves (and each other) that we are in no rush…that things are still good right now…and that with time, everything will become clear.
It’s definitely a challenge pushing forward on blind faith like that. For the first time in a very, very long time, I am moving ahead with life without a definite plan in place. It is both thrilling and terrifying at the same time. I mean, think about it – anything could happen.
But then again…anything could happen! Geez.
You can see my dilemma.
I cried more today after he dropped me off at the bus station than I really wanted to. Because really, I have SO MANY REASONS to feel joyful. I have two beautiful daughters. I am getting my life on track. I have a man who loves me enough to put up with the pain and inconvenience of a long distance relationship. A man who feels like a missing part of me. A part that yes, I could live without, but a part that makes colours brighter, food sweeter, music more beautiful…and life just richer and more full.
All things considered…I guess it’s no wonder I cried.
Filed under: CBG, The "L" Word, dating, gratitude, happiness, me stuff, the Universe, thoughts on stuff | Tagged: dating, happiness, life, long distance relationship, love, relationships, singlemom
And again I say, “Ditto”.
I get this. And you’re right. It is exhiliarating and terrifying at the same time. Its like we need to learn to do this, appreciate the NOW, but yeah, then it gets really scary.
Hang in there.
“It’s the not knowing and the wondering and the uncertainty that makes it so hard sometimes.”
YES! Not knowing how much longer the separation would continue with The Man nearly killed me. Except…
Had someone told me going into my relationship with The Man that it would be over 2 years before we were living in the same state again, I think it would’ve been too daunting; would’ve seemed like too much to handle on the shaky foundation of a new relationship. I think knowing the number of years would’ve made it too scary to give it a real shot. (Especially in our situation where we’re so far apart- and both of us dealing with unemployment and/or underemployment – so we’ve only seen each other 5 times in these 2 years.)
“…Some things simply aren’t for us to know.”
Indeed. Sometimes not knowing is what allows us to believe.
Oh Sunshine,
I can only imagine how hard it must be to say goodbye everytime. As I read about your experience with CBG, I keep thinking “Crap, this is going to be me in a few months” which is wonderful, but at the same time so scary.
I keep going back and forth with my thoughts, thinking that it’s worth it to surrender to the moment because of the magic, but then I think, what if it doesn’t work out? And my heart is busted into a million little pieces?
Is it really better to have loved (REALLY LOVED) than not to have loved at all?
Toronto Mama –
Whether or not it’s worth it is something that you have to decide for yourself. For me, it is….because the connection that we have is unlike anything I’ve had before…and because the joy that we experience when we’re together is, like you said, “magic”. And while the happiness makes the sorrow even harder to bear…the sorrow makes the happiness even sweeter when we ARE together (does that make sense?? lol).
You’re right – there is a chance that my heart will be busted into a million pieces. But then again, there are no guarantees with ANY relationship, you know?
A good friend once said to me, “Life is fleeting. You have to grab on to happiness whereever you can find it.” I often remind myself of that, because I think she’s absolutely right. And as long as the happiness outweighs the difficultly in this relationship, then I’m going to keep going forward. I love him too much not to.
I am going to have to remember what you said. It is so true. There are no guarantees, with any relationships or anything in life really.
I got emotional thinking of you at the bus station. Long distance relationships are so tough. Sending good thoughts!
[...] surprise to me. I woke up expecting to spend the day feeling sad and whiney — both about being apart from CBG again, and because the girls spent their first day at day [...]
Been there. Swore I wouldn’t do the long distance relationship thing and next thing I know. BAM! There it was and I was already in – deep, I might add.
We visited once a month, then once ever 2 weeks, then it became a weekly thing and each week I felt great on Sunday, ok on Monday, but Tuesdays SUCKED. 
It seemed like an eternity, but like you I also tried to remember my blessings (2 girls).
To have a man that was willing to travel that distance every weekend to see me – well, I always say actions speak louder than words.
BTW- thanks for the blog comment on “Owning It.” Great to “meet” you!