Just discovered this song tonight. And well…it reminded me of you-know-who. Just wanted to share it with everyone…it’s my new favourite…I can’t help but smile every time I listen to it.
They’re playing our song
They’re playing our song
Can you see the lights?
Can you hear the hum?
Of our song
I hope they get it right
I hope we dance tonight
Before we, get it wrong
And the seasons
Will change us new
Be the best I’ve known
and you know me
I could not be stuck on you
If it were true
I was sleeping
My eyes were dark
Til you woke me
And told me that opening
is just the start
it was
Now I see you, til kingdom come
You’re the one I want
To see me for all the stupid shit I’ve done
(Chorus)
Soil and six feet under
Killed just like we were
Before you knew you’d know me
And you know me
Blooming up from the ground
3 Rounds and a sound
Like whispering you know me
And you know me
So this was our song
This was our song
I still see the lights
I can see them
And the criss cross
Of what is true, won’t get to us
Cause you know me
I could not give up on you
And the fog of what is right
Won’t cover us cause you know me
I could not give up a fight
I’ve never been particularly good at taking care of myself.
Self-care just isn’t something that was ever really a priority for me. In the past, I often relied on my exhusband to push me in that department (among many). He would often shove me out the door to go for a run, or would give me “gifts” of time away from being mom so I could relax and recharge my batteries. There were many nights when he would even tell me to go to bed so I wouldn’t be overtired the next day. In theory it was nice to have someone doing this for me…but the reality was (and still is) that I need to learn how to do this for myself. This dynamic in my relationship ended up being pretty codependent and unhealthy.
CBG is a different kind of man entirely. There isn’t one bit of codependence between us. He will sometimes encourage me to do things, but he’s never one to tell me what to do. He just doesn’t feel responsible to do it. That, added with the fact that we’re physically apart more than we’re together, means that I’m left to my own devices most of the time.
And I’m still not the best at taking care of myself.
I know those things that I need to do in order to feel good – sleep lots, stay connected with my daughters, exercise, journal, do yoga, eat healthy food, practice gratitude daily and stay in touch with myself. I often struggle with several of these things at once – finding balance among them all is difficult. I’ve been making a special effort lately to find and maintain a little more balance and guess what? The result is that I actually DO feel better. The downside is that there never feels like there is enough time in the day to get everything done that I NEED to get done, practical things, let alone do those things that I WANT to do.
And so once again I am left with the question – how do I find balance? And once I find it, how do I maintain it?
I really believe that it’s the little things in a relationship that keep it working long term. Because CBG and I spend the majority of our time apart, I think that he and I work even harder on the little things, on making the other person feel special and loved every single day.
Every single morning, without fail, there is an email waiting for me in my Facebook email. It simply says, “Good Morning Beautiful”. He sends it to me first thing upon waking every morning. And it never fails to make me melt. It’s so wonderful to know, without a doubt, that I am the first thing he thinks of when he wakes up in the morning.
What I love even more than that, is hearing those words in person in every morning that we wake up together. It just reminds me how fortunate I am to be there, in the arms of the man I love.
Things have been going a lot better in the long distance department in the last few months. It has been easier to cope with, as I work hard on being grateful for what I have, rather than feeling sad about what I sometimes miss out on, not having my man in the same city with me. I remind myself that this is only a temporary state of life…and that some day we will be together.
When we have our weekends together, our quiet moments are often filled with sweet words to each other. Those words are reminders that the hurt is worth it, because of what we have when we’re together. I feel so incredibly blessed to have what I have with him. I feel like we have both been given this amazing gift in one another…and the best part is that neither one of us ever, ever take it for granted. I’m learning that’s one the important pieces to the puzzle of life…to remember to feel intense gratitude for what The Universe provides me with. And every single day, my “Good Morning, Beautiful” email never lets me forget.
I know how lucky I am…how lucky we both are. And, 300 kilometers apart or not, this kind of thing doesn’t come along every day.
Picture it. You’re out somewhere alone and you just happen to bump into the celebrity of your dreams. They give you that hungry gaze from across the room, the look that says, “Come join me at my place.” You’re just about to cross the room to fulfill one of your long time fantasies, and then you remember, Oh yeah – that’s right. I’m taken. I can’t go through with this.
Or can you?
* * * * *
CBG and I have been talking about doing this mutual post for a while now. * I’m not sure how the topic came up, exactly, but at some point, we started talking about celebrities that we’d like to…um… “do”.
heh.
Well, the conversation went from there until he and I made ourselves a little agreement about our “Top Five” picks. We agreed that should the heavens ever align, and one of us has the opportunity to actually fulfill the fantasy, that they could do it with the full blessing of the other. I mean, after all, opportunities like these don’t come along every day, now do they? And hell, if CBG some day has the chance to pleasure one of the women on his top five list, why should *I* stand in the way of that? I mean, hell, he’s giving me the same consideration in return, after all, right?
So here they are, in no particular order, my “Top 5 Celebrities I’d love to have my way in the sack with”. And will – y’know – if the opportunity presents itself. With the full blessing and consent of my man. ‘Cuz that’s how we roll.
Michael C. Hall
I gotta say, as “Dexter”, Michael C. Hall has something for everyone. I mean, he’s a serial killer, after all, making him the ultimate bad boy. On the flip side, he’s also a lab geek and a dad. I mean, what more could a gal ask for? I absolutely loved him in Six Feet Under, but there’s something about Dexter that makes my toes curl…in a very good way. I’d love to meet up with him in a dark alley any time. heh.Hell…he’s enough to make a gal want to help him dispose of those bodies, ya know?
I mean, I know that look is supposed to say, "I'm going to hack your body up in little pieces and dump it in the ocean", but in my mind he's REALLY saying, "Take me now." heh.
Ben Stiller
Those beautiful baby blues and that sense of humour get me every time...
Yeah, I know…this is a bit of a weird one perhaps. But I have had a HUGE crush on Ben Stiller for years. I think I’ve got a thing for short men who make me laugh. What’s up with THAT, anyhow? For me, there is just something incredibly sexy and wonderful about a man with a terrific sense of humour. And well, Ben Stiller just makes me laugh. I’m kinda wondering, though, if I’d be able to stop laughing long enough to really get down to business with him. Then again, if he turns out to be bad in the sack but makes me laugh about it, then I guess it sort of makes up for it.Sort of.
Lenny Kravitz
I don’t even have anything to say about Lenny. I mean, really – do I even have to? I’ll just let the photos do the talking for me.
Yum. That is all.
**cream** (oh that's right - I went THERE)
Pink
**drool** What's NOT to love here, people?!?
Surprise! Apparently I like chicks “in that way” a little more than I once thought. ‘Cuz damn…this girl is hot. And I swear to you all, here and now, that Pink was on my list even before Sunday night’s Grammy performance. Though I gotta say, it certainly didn’t hurt matters any. Is it wrong that my man and I both have massive crushes on the same woman? And really, this causes me to wonder, what would happen if he and I both encountered her together one lonely night?
And if you didn’t see her phenomenal Grammy performance, you should definitely check it out. I mean, girl can rock a trapeze. Ah, let’s let our imaginations wander for a moment, shall we…………………?
Ah, yes...the possibilities are endless...
Mark Wahlberg
I actually had a difficult time with my final pick. But then, when I gave it some thought…(oh, and trust me, I thought about it a lot…) I decided I’d give the coveted final spot to little Marky Mark. Love me that little Wahlberg boy. Dee-lish!
"Why, yes, Mark, I'd LOVE a backrub. Thanks for asking..."
So, um…yeah. That’s that. It’s fun to share the fantasy sometimes. And it’s good to have a partner that I feel safe, comfortable, and secure doing that with, because it’s not something that I’ve ever had before. CBG isn’t someone I ever intend to take for granted. So even though I have my “Top Five List” in my head, they all pale in comparison to the man I love.
Um...HELLO?! How lucky am *I*? Mah man is HOT!!! heh
* Although we planned to do this post together, we actually didn’t discuss a whole lot who was on our list. I did know that Pink was on both of our lists (how convenient! heh) but other than that, I had little idea who CBG was going to name).
I’ve been really working hard to open myself up to feeling gratitude for all of the blessings that I have in my life right now.
And you know what I’ve noticed – it’s working.
In so many ways, I feel like The Universe is smiling upon me. The exact details aren’t always necessarily what I would choose for myself, but I’m starting to figure out that life works that way. And when a detail is awry, I need to let it pass and focus on what I do have to be grateful for. THAT is one of the many lessons that I am being hammered with.
Leaving work yesterday, I won two tickets to see Jann Arden in concert that very night. Now, Jann has been my absolute favourite artist for years now. When I heard, months ago, that she was coming to my city, I was dying to go see her. The reality was that I couldn’t justify spending the money on tickets, so I figured I would see her some other time when she returns.
And then, last night, at 5:15 pm, I was scurrying home with two tickets in my hand, thanks to a last minute prize draw at my place of work.
The thing that made me sad was that CBG wasn’t there to go with me. Now, he’s not a fan, at all, but after the KISS concert last summer, he owes me big, and certainly would have gone, had he been able to.
After some scrambling to find someone last minute (and dealing with a small insecurity crisis) my buddy Dimples happily agreed to come along with me. He’s not a fan, either. In fact, he couldn’t name even ONE of her songs, but gladly came along, ‘cuz, in his words, “That’s what BFFs are for.”
It was an awesome night. Jann is beautiful, talented, and funny. She puts on a great show, and there were several occasions when I found myself all goose-bumpy, hearing her sing some of my favourite songs. Even without CBG there with me, I drank in the moment, feeling a deep and intense gratitude. For my man, for my children, for my amazing friends, for the very air I was breathing.
Life doesn’t get a whole lot better.
I’ve got money in my pocket,
I like the color of my hair.
I’ve got a friend who loves me,
Got a house, I’ve got a car.
I’ve got a good mother,
and her voice is what keeps me here.
Feet on ground,
Heart in hand,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.
I’ve never wanted anything.
No I’ve, no I’ve, I’ve never wanted anything,
so bad..(so bad).
Cardboard masks of all the people I’ve been
Thrown out, with all the rusted, tangled
dented God Damned miseries!!
You could say I’m hard to hold,
But if you knew me you’d know,
I’ve got a good father,
And his strength is what makes me cry.
Feet on ground,
Heart in hand,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.
I’ve never wanted anything,
No I’ve, no I’ve, I’ve never
wanted anything so bad..(so bad).
I’ve got money in my pockets,
I like the color of my hair.
I’ve got a friend who loves me,
Got a house, I’ve got a car.
I’ve got a good mother,
and her voice is what keeps me here.
Feet on ground,
Heart in hand,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.
Heart in hand,
Feet on ground,
Facing forward,
Be yourself.
just be yourself.
just be yourself.
Feet on ground,
Heart in hand,
Feet on ground,
Heart in hand….
Anyone who follows us on Twitter or are Facebook friends with CBG and I know that we can be kind of…mushy at times.
To that I say – whatever. We see each other for two nights every two weeks. Let us have our mush.
heh.
There are some weeks, leading up to a weekend together, when we’re both so excited to be together, it’s actually kind of distracting. Our productivity at work goes down, between the daydreaming, the fantasizing, and the emailing. I have butterflies just thinking about him. The whole week feels like being like a little kid on the week before Christmas.
This, my friends, is one of those weeks.
He’s all I’ve been thinking about. I’ve had to work to curb my end of things in terms of the daytime emails. I fall asleep thinking of him and he’s the first thing on my mind in the morning when I wake up. I’m on pins and needles with excitement. I find myself staring off into space, grinning like an idiot, thinking about that first hug when I arrive on Friday night. Our nightly phone conversations are full of giddy laughter as we each feed off the other person’s excited energy.
I know that I whine and bitch a lot sometimes about the long distance thing. And it truly does suck. But when I have weeks like this? Weeks when we can hardly wait to see each other? It almost makes it worth it.
I got thinking last night, about how I’ve still got a more than healthy dose of cynicism about love.
It’s funny…considering how much I blab on and on about my awesome man.
But I realized that when I hear of someone getting married (particularly if the person is under 30 and it’s a first marriage), my gut instinct is to tell them to “RUUUUUUUUUJN!!! DON’T DO IT!!!!!!”
Sometimes I feel like quoting them divorce statistics.
Um…cynical much?
I always do the same thing, though. I smile and congratulate them, and keep the cynicism to myself.
Last night I watched the movie “Enchanted” with my girls. It’s all about fairy tales coming true. And I cried. Not a lot, mind you, but that sappy love story crap gets me every single time.
I find myself torn, I guess. Torn between wanting to believe in “happily ever after”, and still feeling the bitter sting of how it feels when that particular ending gets snatched away slowly dissolves over time.
I look at CBG and feel so much hope. I remember when he and I first met and we talked about the whole, “would we ever get remarried again” question. We both answered with a resounding “hell no!!” Ask us that same question today, a little more than a year later, and the answer would be a whole lot different. Not that anyone’s proposed or anything, but it’s definitely something that we have discussed on more than one occasion.
But then, in the quiet, when I am alone, the thought of getting married again – to anyone - makes me panic inside, just a little. Panic because there are no guarantees in life. Panic because I was so certain that things were going to last with my exhusband, and they didn’t – so why are they going to be so different a second time around?
I know that I’m not alone in this. Learning to let go of that cynicism really put your heart out there after being burned so badly isn’t easy for any of us. I guess it’s just a matter of putting those fears to rest…and reminding myself that not only is CBG not my exhusband, I’m also not the same woman I was a decade ago when I got married the first time around.
I’ve lived and I’ve learned…and I’m a better person for it.
And it’s true…there are no guarantees in this life. All I can do is tell myself that “happily ever after” is a good goal to have…and work like hell to make sure I get there.
So I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but I don’t have a television – by choice. Most of the time this is okay with me, I often hunt down what I want to see at a later date and watch it when I feel like it.
I do feel a little left out when it comes to things like last night’s Grammy Awards. I noticed in CBG’s tweet stream this morning one important tweet of note:
“OMG…#Pink looks phenomenal.”
Well, that certainly got *my* attention. I don’t think I’ve made it any secret that I have a HUGE girl-crush on Pink. So of course, I immediately hit youtube and found Pink’s performance from last night.
After having such a great day yesterday, it was a little disheartening to realize this morning that I was feeling lonely and just generally let down by life a little bit. Not one of those terrible “black days” or anything, but just a general feeling of dissatisfaction.
While my girls were having some video time, I sat down with my journal to try and work through some of it. I wrote about how I confuse “allowing” my bad moods with “wallowing” in them. There’s a difference, I know this. I just tend to forget.
I wrote my frustration at not being able to hold the darkness at bay permanently, that it always seems to seep in when I don’t have my guard up. Then again, it seeps in even when I do have my guard up.
What the hell?
And then, a voice from outside reminded me of The Secret. I watched it recently. Say what you want about it, I am firmly convinced that there’s something to this whole concept of positive thinking and the Law of Attraction. The little voice inside me reminded me that whatever we pay attention to, good or bad, we attract into our lives. It does no good to try and push the bad stuff away. The act of paying attention to it only attracts it to us even more.
Then I thought about my therapist, who told me once that it doesn’t do any good to try and push the negative thoughts about yourself away. The only thing you can do is work to build up good memories and experiences to, in effect, “prove the negativity wrong”.
Trying to push the darkness away is the wrong approach. Wallowing in it does no good. I realized what I need to do is acknowledge it, as a very legitimate part of who I am and how I’m feeling on a particular day, and then turn away from it. Turn away from it and pull at the light.
And that’s exactly what I did this afternoon. I set aside those feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction, and turned toward my girls. We worked on some Valentines for some of the special people we know. We packed up our stuff and headed off to the pool. We swam and played and giggled. I could feel the darkness receding. Sitting here now, only hours later, it’s almost difficult to remember that lonely feeling I woke up with.
I feel like I’ve made some kind of major breakthrough here.
I know that every day isn’t going to be perfect. I was victorious over my black mood today. Next week, I might not be so lucky. The important thing is, I know, without a doubt, that it can be done. And it can be done by me - all on my own – with only a few encouraging words from the outside.
And dammit, if I can do it once, then I can do it again. A million times, if need be. I will respect the darkness as a part of myself, but I will continue to pull at the light with every ounce of strength that I have.
It’s been six nights that we’ve been apart, and we have six more to go until we see each other again. You wanna hear something funny, though? I’m not really missing you that much. Not today anyhow.
Last night my girls and I had our Friday night sleepover – we had nachos and a movie and then we all went to bed together for some snuggles and giggles. We woke up this morning and played together in my bed for a while, and then got up and enjoyed a pancake breakfast while watching last week’s episodes of “American Idol” together.
I am enjoying my girls – and most of all, I am enjoying our time alone together. This morning I had the overwhelming sense that I need to enjoy these “alone times” while the girls and I have them, because they are not forever.
Please don’t get me wrong – you know how I feel about you, and how much I want you here with us. I know that I need to practice patience and wait for things to fall into place. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy these precious moments with my girls. Some day, we will be overflowing with memories of the four of us together, but in the meantime, I can be perfectly happy with being just three.
But tomorrow? Tomorrow might be a different story. heh.
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