I’ve been feeling a lot of fear lately, which is an old familiar friend that I actually haven’t entertained in some time. In fact, I was fairly convinced that we’d broken up, and then at some point in the last week or so, there came a knock at the door. And who should it be, but Fear. Looking to come in, take a seat, and hang out for a while. Have some tea, even. I was so surprised that I went ahead and opened the damn door, assuming that maybe Fear had changed, and maybe was on my side after all.
Guess what? Fear is still the same toxic friend that it always was.
Here’s how the conversation went.
Me: “Hey! Fear! Old friend! Long time, no see. Whatcha been up to?”
Fear: “I’ve been worried about you. About CBG. About your marriage. “
Me: “Really? What’s there to be so worried about? Everything’s fine, isn’t it?”
Fear: “Oh…no…not really. I mean, you haven’t noticed?”
Me: “Well, things haven’t been the best lately, but everything will be fine.”
That’s when Fear sat down, leaned back in the chair, propping his feet up on the table. “Oh honey, we’ve got some talking to do.”
And well…you can only imagine where the conversation went from there. I’ve realized that I’m really pretty crappy at keeping Fear at bay when I’m feeling run-down like I have been lately. This week has been better than last in this regard, but since winter hasn’t even officially started yet, I’m finding myself rather concerned.
The truth is, there’s lots to be fearful of right now. Fearful of having to deal with depression — not just mine, but CBG’s as well. Fearful of the effect this all might have on our marriage. Fearful of how this might change us — good or bad — both as individuals and as a couple.
Recently I wrote about how I believe that we’re meant to grow and change throughout our lives and what a wonderful thing it is that we can, but right now, I’m scared of change. Even though ultimately it might end up being for the best, the road leading there can be rather frightening indeed.
And by the way, the worst part about that conversation with Fear? I looked down and noticed that he’d brought along his suitcase. I’m pretty sure he’s not going anywhere for a while.