I’ve been logging a lot of running miles and I have to say, it’s been exceptionally good for me. I haven’t even hated peeling myself up out of bed at 5:00 pretty much every morning, because most days I’m excited to lace up and hit the streets. Not only is it good for me physically, but it’s great for me mentally and emotionally, too.
Running: cheaper than therapy.
I do some of my best thinking and mulling over of life when I’m out on my morning run. I basically just let my mind go wherever it wants. I think about relationships, problems, issues I’m having, work stuff, past problems…you name it. Basically nothing is off limits when I’m out running.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with my ex husband. Unfortunately, due to the nature of our custody arrangement (50/50), it means that we end up communicating a lot more than I would ideally like. And because of this communication, I end up sometimes knowing more about his life than I would like I know.
I mean, let’s face it, best case scenario would be never having to see him, talk to him, or think about him ever again. I don’t wish him any ill, but I would be a whole lot happier if we could each just go our separate ways and just live our own lives, completely separate from one another.
But that’s not the situation we’re in right now. We talk often. About parenting — issues the girls are experiencing, school stuff, schedule changes, problems that need to be solved at a parental level, heck, even things like purchasing clothes and school supplies. There was a time, not that long ago, that we didn’t go a single day without talking about one thing or another. And while things have gotten better in that department, we still go through cycles where we’re communicating a lot.
What is worse than that is that often CBG and I end up in conversations about my ex. I tell him about conversations I’ve had with him, or a text message, or sometimes I will even forward emails. Because my relationship with my ex is strained at best, our conversations are often of a not-very-flattering variety. I mean, really, we’ve all gotta complain sometimes, right? CBG is my ear when I need to offload about my ex husband.
I’ve noticed, though, that conversations about my ex — in one way or another — sometimes end up taking up a bigger space in our lives than they need to. To the point where, sometimes, it feels like there’s another person in our marriage, if that makes any sense. And while I will always be connected to my ex through our wonderful daughters, he should in no way have anything to do with my marriage to CBG.
It’s like having an uninvited houseguest, taking up valuable space in our home and our lives. With the potential to cause friction and difficulties between CBG and I, if we allow it.
And so, last week, I made an important decision. I’m asking our uninvited houseguest to leave. For me, this means no longer engaging in conversations with CBG about my ex beyond practical matters. No bitching about the tone of an email or my annoyance-du-jour with something that he said or did. Now, I know that I’m not going to be perfect at this (we all have our weak moments) and I know that there will be times when a major incident will require a greater discussion. I’ll save the bitch sessions for those rare times when I get together with girlfriends for a “let’s vent about our exes” session.
But on your average, ordinary day? No thanks. There’s only room for two people in this marriage.
Filed under: CBG, divorce, living and learning, marriage, the ex | Tagged: coparenting, divorce, ex husbands, life, marriage | 1 Comment »