I’m Getting Married

It’s funny the things that divorce will have us telling ourselves, particularly in the beginning. I remember when I first met CBG, over three years ago, only a few months out of my marriage, I was rather certain that I would never get married again. I was bitter and I daresay a bit jaded about the marriage thing. I recall a conversation pretty early on when one of us asked the other, “Do you think you’ll ever get married again?” and we both answered that question with the same resounding, “HELL NO!!”

Several months into our relationship I remember the general topic of marriage being discussed again. We were still both hesitant, but the “HELL NO!” had softened into a “…maybe someday…”

I’m not sure when exactly it happened, but at some point, the “…maybe someday…” morphed into a, “I want to get married again someday”. It certainly didn’t happen overnight. But as CBG and I worked on our relationship and allowed our love to grow and deepen, the more I realized that I wanted to one day be a wife.

His wife.

Now, don’t go throwing out the ‘congrats’ just yet, people. There has been no official question or answer at this point. But do you like what I did with my title there? Had you a lil bit excited there for a minute, now didn’t I?

heh.

I guess my point here is (and I do have one, beyond taunting my faithful internets purely for my own amusement), is that it’s important to keep an open mind (and heart) in life. We just never know what life is going to present to us at any time. In the span of less than three and a half years, I have gone from a woman who was pretty bitter about marriage and KNEW I was never going to take that particular plunge again, to a woman in love who knows that without a doubt, one day, she will be again be saying “I do”.

Funny the things that happen in life, huh?

Observations on Anger

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ~Buddha

I’m one of those people who lived most of her life with anger bubbling just beneath the surface. I’ve had a quick temper most of my life that ignited from even the smallest spark. Oh the stories that I have from the chapter of my life titled, “I dated a teenage douchebag”.

The excuses reasons for my anger throughout my life are many. Youth and inexperience played a big role for a very long time. I simply didn’t know how to handle the emotions I was feeling. Temper tantrums worked for the first part of my life; whaddaya mean adults don’t get to fly off the handle at every minor annoyance?

I also had a lot of heavy shit that I carried around with me for a very long time. Shit that I hadn’t yet dealt with, and for a while there, would have happily left buried for the rest of my life. But one of the sucktastic things about self-awareness is that once you start going down that path, you’re pretty much “all in”. So deal with it, I did. And as I shoveled through that particular pile of excrement, my anger subsided. Who knew?

The people in my life had a great deal to do with my anger as well. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that it was all my exhusband’s fault, but damn, it really was my exhusband’s fault. Dude could poke me in the anger button faster than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s just one of his many special talents. And honestly, not being with him means that particular button gets pressed a whole lot less. Because CBG? Well, he doesn’t actively try to piss me off. <sarcasm> What a concept! </sarcasm>

What I’ve recently found myself coming to terms with lately is that while I may be a whole lot better when it comes to expressing my anger (or NOT expressing it, as the case may be), the anger is still very much there. It comes roaring to the surface at surprise moments when I let my guard down (Hello ‘pigeon pose’ anyone?). It’s still there, even though it hasn’t been popping out at inappropriate moments.

That anger I feel when I’m face down on my mat in pigeon pose is anger that I’ve been storing up and carrying around with me every single day. Because I don’t release it, it just makes it way down to my hips and gets to come along for the ride each and every day. (Hm…I wonder if THAT has any connection to the size of my ass….?) I may have just hatched a new plot for size reduction – “Punch your ex in the face, shed the anger AND drop three pants sizes!”

Or something like that.

The point is, the anger really isn’t gone, now is it? Maybe I don’t blow my lid at my kids or fly off the handle at CBG for every minor annoyance, but there’s that anger, day in and day out, burrowed into my hips like so many double-stuff Oreos. Pigeon pose gets right to the heart of the matter and stirs it up, which is why I find myself wanting to kidney punch my yoga instructor after about 30 seconds. The more I fight against the feeling, the angrier I become. I know now that I need to simply allow myself to feel what I’m feeling in the moment, take note of it, and then let it go. Y’know, all that ‘awareness’ and ‘being in the moment’ mumbo-jumbo that I like to spout when I’m feeling like the Badass who has the world by the balls.

Most of all, I realize that I need to feel grateful for the fact that I have found a way to shed all of that stored-up anger. Because even if getting rid of it doesn’t actually make my ass any smaller, it will definitely make my heart lighter.

Namaste.

Confessions of a Reluctant Yogi

On Wednesday night I went to a yoga class for the first time in a couple of months. I love yoga and would love to be able to go to a class on a regular basis, but life in the last several months has really gotten in the way of that. There are great prices on yoga wear, so
I’m hoping to turn things around and get there more often, because it really does wonders for me — physically, mentally and emotionally.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the greatest yogi on the planet. I struggle with the physical aspect (my muscles are extra tight because of stress, running and my unfortunate genetic makeup — thanks again for the ‘lumberjack limbs’, Dad) and I struggle with the mental aspect as well (hello “Monkey Mind”). It feels like a cruel joke from Mother Nature that I’m stuck wrestling with both the physical and mental parts of yoga.

And yet, I still love it. I love challenging both my body and my mind, even though I feel like I’m always fighting to keep up. I love the relaxed high that I feel at the end of class. I love the soreness that I feel the next day when I haven’t been to class in a long time (like this week!)

But there is one particular pose that I struggle with more than others. Pigeon pose.

This pose is a hip-opener, and apparently that’s where I carry a great deal of my mental, emotional and physical stress. It never fails that 30 seconds into pigeon pose, my hips and my heart are both on fire. Pigeon pose pokes me directly in my anger trigger very single time. The longer I stay in the pose, the angrier I become. Leave me in pigeon pose for longer than a couple of minutes and I’m ready to punch the instructor square in the face.

Yeah I know. Not very Zen of me, huh?

I know this means that I need to practice this pose more often, not less…that pigeon pose will likely help me to access deeply-buried emotions that need to come to the surface and be dealt with. But to that, I say: fuck you.

Remember paragraph two? Yeah…that’s the part where I wrote about being a less than perfect yogi.

Screw you, pigeon pose. SCREW YOU.

My Long-Distance Relationship “Bucket List” for 2012

Last year, CBG and I wrote date “bucket lists” for 2011. And honestly, we did pretty well with crossing many of those items off. It was nice to put our wants “out there” and then try and make them happen. As a long distance couple, it’s very tempting to spend our weekends “holed up” in bed for two solid days when we’re together, and while that was great for the first couple of months together, we much prefer getting out there and “living”.  So here’s my bucket list of dates for 2012.

 

1. Go on a road trip.

 

There’s nothing I love more than hopping in the car with CBG and hitting the road, music playing. We can talk and laugh for hours and never get bored. I’m looking forward to going on at least one road trip together in 2012. We’re even hoping to be able to go visit our bloggy friend Jobo!!

 

2. Have a “Dirty Weekend”.

 

What I really mean by this is to go away and spend a weekend in a little cottage somewhere. We did that on Labour Day weekend  in 2011 and it was a fabulous weekend. Looking forward to experiencing that again at some point in the coming year.

 

3. Go to the beach.

 

I wouldn’t call myself a “beach bum” but I do like to swim in the ocean at least once every year. Last year we were fortunate enough to be able to swim in the ocean in Grand Turk together…which was completely amazing. This year I’ll settle for the freezing cold Atlantic close to home.

 

4. A week-long vacation.

 

Again, last year, we were fortunate enough to be able to go on the cruise with CBG’s dad. It was more than I ever imagined for us. One important thing that I realized was that it was very good for us to be able to have an entire week together, dedicated to each other and our relationship. While we have big hopes to be able to go on another fabulous vacation this fall, even if that doesn’t happen, I really want us to dedicate an entire week of time to one another, all at once.

 

5. Go dancing.

 

I’m not huge on dancing or going out to clubs, but the one time that CBG and I danced together (on the cruise last year) it was a TON of fun. I definitely want to do it again in 2012.

 

6. Go to a concert/live music event.

 

The only time we’ve gone to a concert together was our first summer together, back in 2009. It was KISS, and I totally went just for CBG. I’m not a fan….but still, it was fun, despite standing in the rain for six hours. Last year we missed out on seeing Prince in my home city. I really want to go to another concert together in the coming year…at this point I’d even settle for a washed-up 80s band at the Casino.

 

7. Something we’ve never done together before.

 

Cryptic, I know. But I’m leaving this one open on purpose. Last year we ended up going ziplining for CBG’s birthday – something neither one of us have ever done before – and it was loads of fun. I would love for us to experience something new and different again together in the coming year. The world is our oyster, right?

 

8. Prepare a meal together from start to finish.

 

For those of you not in the know, CBG is making a real effort to get healthy this year. As part of that, he’s actually taking the time to think about and prepare “real” meals for himself. I love to cook, and I would love it if sometime we prepared an entire meal together, from shopping to the ingredients to sitting down by candlelight to enjoy it.

 

9. “Dress up” dinner date.

 

I have a slinky black dress that’s been sitting in my closet for at least three or four months now. I”m dying to wear it and I think a fancy dinner date would be the perfect opportunity for that.

 

10. Go to a strip club.

 

We’ve been playing with this idea for a while now. I’ve never been to a strip club before, and I think it would be a fun experience. It’s just one of those “bucket list items” that I have and would like to cross off. Fun!

 

Can’t wait to see what CBG’s got going on with his list…

Saying Goodbye

One of the most difficult things about being in a long distance relationship are the goodbyes. For the record, there are many,many other difficult parts, saying goodbye at the end of a visit just happens to be one of them.

Being in a long distance relationship and having those every-other-weekend visits is like having a mini-vacation every two weeks. We try to put aside most parts of practical life (whenever possible) so that we can simply focus on one another. We spend time together, we have fun…we laugh…we simply bask in each other’s presence. Who would want to go back to reality after that?

I’ll tell you who: no one. Especially not this gal.

Most of the time, CBG comes to my city to see me. And I have to admit, I love having him here. We have a bit of a “war” going on about whose city is better, but the answer is that clearly, it is mine. So having CBG here with me means that we have lots of options for things to do. This past weekend I was fortunate enough to be able to spend time in CBG’s city. Much as I love having him come to me, and as much my city is far superior of the two, I do love spending time in his space. It’s even more like a vacation from reality for me to be in his house, away from my own clutter and “things to do”.

We had a wonderful weekend together. As we were saying goodbye on Sunday evening  before I was to hit the road, I realized that when it comes to saying goodbye, it’s a whole hell of a lot easier being the one walking out the door than the one who is left behind. Usually I’m the one who has to deal with a lonely bed on the night after CBG has left. After having him here with me for two or three or four nights of snuggling bliss, my bed feels just that much bigger and colder and more empty after he is gone.

Also, being the one walking out the door means that I am moving toward something (my home) rather than being the one left sitting there feeling sad in an empty apartment.

Please don’t get me wrong, though — even being the one to leave instead of being the one left behind, still sucks. And will continue to suck until we’re fortunate enough to not have to do it anymore.

…one day…

Wetter is Better: Single Ladies Love Lube Too

I found myself in a conversation the other day with a single friend of mine about lube. She’s recently re-entered the dating scene and I recommended to her that she give lube a try. She told me that her new man-friend is ‘anti-lube’, because, according to him, “it’s not necessary”. I laughed a little at this, thinking back to my own old attitudes about lube. I used to think that lube was for menopausal women or people with “issues” in the bedroom. I, too, had a bit of a negative association with using lube.

Now, not to get too personal, but rather early on in our relationship, CBG and I decided that we were NOT going to be boring in the bedroom. So one day I picked up a bottle of lube for us to try just for fun. And that, my friends, is how a ‘lube convert’ was born.

We’ve tried a few things over the years, and one of the products we’ve tried is Astroglide. One of the things I really like about Astroglide is that it feels like the body’s own natural lubrication. Astroglide is a leading brand recommended by Doctors: not just OB/Gyns, but GP, FP, and other specialty practices. They have a number of different products – Astroglide Natural (that is made with botanical ingredients like Aloe, Chamomile Flower Extract, Vitamins C&E). They even have a product called Astroglide X Premium Silicone, which can be used in the jacuzzi, pool, or even the ocean, for a little extra fun in the water. I just learned about this particular product and I’ve got to say, I’m looking forward to trying it. Wheeee!

Honestly, I can say without hesitation, that Astroglide makes sex better. For me, once I got on board with the idea that lube could be about fun, I realized that using a product like Astoglide adds a whole other dimension to our sex life. I really can’t say enough how much fun a little lube has added to the bedroom. If you haven’t given it a try yourself, I highly recommend it. I daresay you won’t be disappointed.

And the good news is that if my waxing poetic about the many benefits of lube has piqued your interest, Astroglide is giving away free samples. All you have to do is click here: http://astroglide.com/singleedition/ to get yours. Fun!

* * * * *

This is a sponsored post by Astroglide. I received compensation as a thank you for my participation. The opinions in this blog post are my own.

2012: Year of the Bad-Ass

This year, for the first time in at least 5, I decided to make New Year’s Resolutions. A whole damn list of ‘em, in fact. I was going to write them out here as a public declaration of my intentions, but then decided against it. After all, it doesn’t *really* matter what those resolutions are, it just matters that I’ve made them. A whole list of them – did I mention that already?

I wrote out my list a couple of days before New Year’s. The list is vague enough to be doable (“Pursue something creative”) and gives me plenty of room for interpretation. It also contains a few concrete items as well (“Run another half marathon – or two!!”). I’ve basically covered all my bases – finances, health, parenting, personal, creative and spiritual. I’m feeling good about the list.

All of the items on my list are totally do-able, but I’ve decided that if I don’t get them done – screw it. I’m not going to base my self-worth on a list of items I wrote in a frenzy one night before New Year’s Eve. This is The Year of the Bad-Ass, and us Bad-Asses don’t allow ourselves to be fenced in by arbitrary rules. So sure, I want to give meditation a whirl, cook more real food, and read more in the coming year, but even if I don’t, I know that I’ll find something else to stretch myself to the limits of my own bad-assery.

Because that’s what Bad-Asses do.

Did anyone else out there make any New Year’s Resolutions? Feel up to sharing?

Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012

2011 has certainly had it’s shares of ups and downs. There has been both joy and heartache. Laughter and tears.

But no matter what, it’s been a year of loving and learning. I’ve learned so much about myself in the last year. I learned the depths of my own strength. I loved my man through relationship blips and blended family challenges. I held him up during the most difficult moment of his life. I faced some inner demons. I found my niche in the stepmom role. I examined my relationship with CBG and took steps to make it better. I completed a half marathon – in better time than I ever expected. In the past 365 days I have shown myself the limitlessness of my own bad-assery.

And I may have invented a word or two while I was at it. Just sayin’.

Exactly what 2012 has in store for me, CBG and our family I have absolutely no idea. I have a feeling that it’s going to be good, whatever it is. What I do know for sure is that no matter what else happens, there will plenty of laughs, lots of love, and countless opportunities for learning and growth.

Welcome, 2012. I’m ready for you. Let’s do this!

My 10 Long Distance Date Wishes for 2011 – Revisited

Early this year, CBG and I wrote mutual blog posts about our date wishes for the upcoming year. Things we’d like to do together in 2011. Since CBG revisited his post, I thought that I’d do the same.

1. Go to the drive-in.

Check. Unfortunately we watched “Horrible Bosses”, which we both agreed was a horrible movie, but it was still a fun experience overall.

2. Go to Prince Edward Island. 

Check! This is where I ran the half-marathon in October. Would love to go back again when it’s a “just for fun” weekend.

3. Spend a day at Kejimikujik National Park.

Check! This was a great experience for us, over the Labour Day weekend. We picnicked, we hiked, we enjoyed the scenery. Good times.

4. Watch a sunset. 

This is one that we didn’t do. We did get to see our fair share of sun rises, however, including one on the deck of a cruise ship as we pulled into Puerto Rico. I think I can live with having missed a sunset.

5. See a concert.

We didn’t manage this one, either. And no, CBG, watching you perform “Crocodile Rock” on the cruise ship definitely does NOT count.

6. Have a regular “dinner and  a movie” date.

I believe this one happened at least once. I seem to recall a sushi dinner date in there at one point.

7. Go to the Look-Off again.

We managed this one as well. We had a beautiful view of the Annapolis Valley and absolutely loved it.

8. Explore a hiking trail.

When we spent our day at Keji we explored several hiking trails. I loved the fact that CBG spent a lot of time outdoors that weekend and even though he’s not an outdoor kind of guy, he didn’t complain once. Now THAT is love, people.

9. Swim in the ocean – together.

Done. And even better – it was when we were in Grand Turk. And folks, it doesn’t get much better than that.

10. Dance together.

This one also happened while we were on our cruise. It wasn’t quite the romantic slow-dance I had in mind – it was hamming it up while dancing to cheesy 80s music, but damn, it was a lot of fun.

So according to my count, we accomplished 8 out of 10 of my 2011 date wishes. Not too shabby. What this tells me, though, is that I need to shoot for even bigger and better things for us in 2012. Because with some positive thinking and some effort, I think we can accomplish a lot together.

The Importance of Faith

I wish that I could put into words how absolutely fantastic my Christmas was. I got the ONE and only thing that I wanted: To wake up with my man and my girls on Christmas morning.

I just wish it hadn’t been at 4:30 am on Christmas morning. Just sayin’.

One of the best moments over the Christmas holiday was having one of my famous moments of clarity as I sat listening to my youngest daughter, Lil’ Mo, reading quietly to CBG. He was utterly fantastic with her, being totally patient, encouraging her, and helping with some of the trickier words that she bumped up against in the process.

I was struck by how comfortable and natural it all felt. More than it ever has before. We are a family.

I thought about some of our more challenging moments as a blended family over the past year. Moments when I wondered if we’d ever be able to find our way. Moments when I felt sure that we couldn’t. There have been many times over the last several years when family time together felt tense, uncomfortable. CBG didn’t always know how to handle my girls. I was often nervous about his reaction to them and felt like I was walking on eggshells. He worried about *my* reaction to his interactions with my girls and so HE felt like he was walking on eggshells.

I think that other couples would have used some of our tense “family interactions” as a reason to call it quits. To be honest, I felt that temptation myself a couple of times. The thing that kept me from doing that, though, was my faith in what CBG and I shared together. There was a part of me that refused to believe that he and I could love each other so much and connect on so many levels, and yet completely fail in this one single area.

Simply put, I had faith in us. I refused to give up.

I’ve learned a lot in the last few years when it comes to blended families. I’ve learned that just because you love someone doesn’t mean that you will automatically love their children. I’ve learned that bonding with someone else’s kids takes time and patience. I’ve learned that if you and your partner are both committed to making the relationship work – no matter what – then you will be able to make it through the challenges that will inevitably be thrown at you.

The thing is, all couples face challenges. Blending our families is one of ours.

But honestly, at this point I can say that I feel 100 percent better than I did a year ago. Like many things in life, finding our way as a blended family has simply taken time, patience and most of all, faith. And honestly, it almost makes it feel more special because of the work we’ve done to get here.